Words by Persia Lawson
June 22nd, 2017
A while ago, having been single for a year and a half, I felt ready and excited to attract in a new relationship. I’d done a significant amount of work around my love and relationship-based issues at this point – therapy, love-coaching, meditation and yoga retreats, past-life regression – you name it. I was clear on the many self-sabotaging and destructive patterns that had been holding me back, and I had a list of all the non-negotiable qualities I desired from a new partner and relationship.
I’d worked really hard to become happy and whole in all areas of my life as a single twenty-nine-year-old woman, and now I was ready for a soulful connection with someone I could continue to grow and evolve alongside.
There was something I was unknowingly doing that was in total conflict with this intimacy and romance I was so sure I was ready for. Having worked in the wellness industry for over five years now, I often see people I coach or collaborate with make similar mistakes. You see, sometimes we become so focused on the detail – on clearing out our past baggage and defining our goals – that we forget to do the most basic things to ensure those goals actually have a chance to be realised.
The one thing I’ve learned about getting anything you want in life is that you have to do everything you can to become the person who already has the thing you desire. In other words, if it’s a happy, soulful relationship you want, you have to behave like a person who already has one.
I’d pretty much nailed the more challenging aspects of this concept, for example, I was no longer desperately scouring dating apps or bars on nights out looking for eligible bachelors, and was therefore much more present with my friends, family and work relationships. However (this is going to sound a bit ridiculous, but hear me out), I was still wearing my comfortable-yet-greying-and-hole-ridden granny knickers from Primark – even on nights out.
Because, I told myself, I no longer have spontaneous sexy sleepovers, so when I meet a guy I really like, then I’ll go and treat myself to some nice new undies.
Do you see the obvious flaw in my logic? (And, does it sound familiar…?!) Aside from it being a real shame that I only considered myself worthy of lovely new underwear if there was somebody else to see it, it’s this sort of thinking that actually pushes the things we want away from us.
I call it: ‘The When I Have…’ syndrome, and it goes something like this:
When I lose 20 pounds, THEN I’ll book a lovely beach holiday for myself.
When I’m earning 10K more, THEN I’ll know I’ve ‘made’ it.
When I’m dating someone I’m attracted to, THEN I’ll think about buying some nice new clothes and underwear to show off to them.
… You get the idea.
When we think of our life in these terms, we’re constantly deferring our happiness and joy to some imaginary date in the future. And more often than not, even if we do ‘arrive’ at that date, it’s not long before we find ourselves setting yet another benchmark to determine when our lives can finally ‘begin’.
I’ll let you in on a little secret:
You don’t ever wear sexy underwear for another man or woman to enjoy – even if you think you do. You wear sexy underwear to make you feel sexier in their presence.
So, if you’re currently looking to attract a new relationship into your life, do yourself a favour and start by getting the basics down:
Wear underwear that makes you feel like a goddess – and wear it as often as possible.
You’ll walk differently, you’ll dance differently – you’ll even flirt differently. And, though potential suitors might not get to see your silky/lacy garments anytime soon, I guarantee they’ll sense them through the way these garments help you feel in your body.
Please don’t do what I did and wait for a date to start feeling sexy. Do whatever it is you need to do to feel sexy, and the dates will practically book themselves. 😉
Persia Lawson is an author, speaker and “one of the UK’s most successful love coaches” – according to The Saturday Times magazine. As maven46’s new love and life columnist, we caught up with Persia for our ‘maven46 meets’ series which you can read here. Catch up on last month’s column, Dress to Express, Not to Impress here.
Want YOUR relationship or dating dilemma answered by Persia Lawson?
Head to persialawson.com and get in touch via the Contact tab – can’t wait to hear from you!
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